av Dylan Murphy för 8 månader sedan
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Step 4 of the collaborative problem solving process is jointly constructing a solution for maximal gain.
Draw the possibilities
Weighing pros and cons
Identify solutions that meet the most needs
0 Sum Game
Back and forth - lose/lose
Compromise
Step 3 of the collaborative problem solving process is brainstorming possible solutions. Any solution is a possible solution.
Work collaboratively with the other person.
Deviate from the norm. Generate as many different types of solutions as you can. All solutions, good or bad, have some truth to them. More solutions increases the chances of having a win-win solution.
Think outside of the box See page 119 for 4 practices.
List as many solutions as you can think of, they can be any thought you come up with, good or bad.
The most important thing during brainstorm is to avoid judging the possible solutions whether good or bad.
Generate solutions on the basis of needs.
In order to complete this step, one must be able to distinguish the differences between positions and needs.
A position is the proposed solution to the unidentified problem.
Step 2 of the collaborative problem solving process is Identifying the Needs of Both Parties. This includes knowing how to empathetic listen while the other person speaks and self-assertion mode.
Self-Assertion Mode
I statements
When X happens, I feel X because I have a need for X
Describe concrete events
Don’t characterize or judge
Empathetic Listening
Body language
Express empathy
Ask questions
Don’t interrupt
Eliminate distractions
Let the other person connect you
I used credulity by expressing my desire to host a party and also keeping in mind that I could be in the wrong and she could be right about a party being a bad idea.
I showed compassion by having an understanding that she is scared, anxious about the idea. I also adjusted my idea to fit her needs.
Her needs are important but so are mine. Mom has needs for no alcohol and no damage to the house but I have a need for freedom, having my own party.
My mom and I have a high sense of respect for each other. I help her out when she's in need and she's been helping me through my entire life. Her word is final, but I believe I have earned this opportunity.
Credulity - I feel as though I deserve a chance to have a party at the house but she could be right and it may be a bad idea.
Compassion - She can get in a lot of trouble in the worst case scenario. If she were to stay at home during it, it would be annoying to her.
Self-compassion - She may have a need for peace and quiet but I have a need for having fun.
Dignity - Me and my mom have always respected each other, I respect the house. I believe I deserve this.
Practices
Wait to have the conversation until both parties are ready
Don’t try to solve problems in anger.
Anger will only add fuel to the fire and create higher tensions. With increased tensions, the solution only gets further away.
Monitor your partner’s feelings as well as your own.
"When you detect your partner is feeling devalued, insulted, or angry, it is helpful to reaffirm your partner's dignity and worth. At the same time, you need to monitor your own feelings" (Pg. 25).
Step 1 of the collaborative problem solving process is Connecting to the Humanity of the other. The most important principles of connecting to the humanity of the other are preserving dignity, credulity, and compassion.
Preserving Dignity
Dignity is the state of being worthy of value, honor, esteem, or respect.
Dignity is the antidote to shame.
Shame = anger
Conflicts cannot be solved through anger.
Conflicts are solved with mutual respect. Disrespect causes shame, and flares the conflict.
Dignity is the antidote to shame because it gives you honorable characteristics
Compassion & Self-Compassion
Not only should you use compassion for the other but also yourself.
Self-compassion starts with the recognition that you yourself are suffering.
Conflicts cannot be solved without compassion.
Compassion is our feeling of care for the suffering of others.
Knowing that the other is suffering from some interest, desire, fear, or unmet need
Credulity
Credulity allows one's self to be open-minded and is the easiest way to gain knowledge.
Credulity requires curiosity.
Curiosity opens the mind to new information, it shows that you are willing to be wrong and help fill the gaps of your understanding.
"We must temporarily bracket our thoughts and feelings and seek to climb into the experience of the other to experience how the other experiences the world." (Pg. 46)
"Two people can be in the same situation and see it differently. So long as we insist on looking at rhe situation from only our point of view, we close ourselves off from other ways of thinking." (Pg. 46)
You can be wrong.
Understanding your credulity will enable the fact that maybe you are wrong and the other is right, or vice versa.
Or maybe both sides are right, only viewed two different ways.
Everybody has their own thoughts, feelings, needs. Knowing the other person's opinion and positions before making an argument will only help solve the conflict sooner.
